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Stop all this Yaketty Yak!
Y'all might have heard the latest yaketty-yak on Facebook, Twitter, CNN, and Fox News about yet another effort to smear dirt on my alabaster name: an ugly tale about how I got caught taking a bath in a hotel in Switzerland with the Pope when he broke his hand.
It's not like you heard on Larry King Live so stop those ugly rumors right this minute.
First off, though I'm a Baptist, I love the Catholics because if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have had fishsticks for lunch at school on Fridays when I was youngun, and I've ever been partial to fishsticks.
And write this down: Trixie Goforth was not ever in the bathtub with the Pope!
It was the shower!
And I wasn't doing a thing but washing his feet, as any good Christian woman ought to do, even if she's a Baptist.
He was trying to return the favor and laid his wet hands on my head to bless me, at which time I blessed him out and gave him a wallop because I'd just the day before had my hair fixed.
In short, this caused him to slip and injure his most vital part.
All the rest is a matter of public record, including the part about how I was soaking my dentures in a glass on the nightstand next to his when the cardinals rushed in and helped tie him onto a board and put him in the ambulance.
I'll own up that that much is true, but me and the Pope did not have our teeth in the same glass!
And all y'all at the Huffington Post who said so can expect to hear from my lawyer, if I can get one that don't charge.
Anyhow, in all the ballyhoo, I left my teeth behind and here I am back in the USA , toothless, which I would not be if I hadn't had dentures in the first place, which I wouldn't have if I hadn't let my teeth rot, which is why I want y'all to gather your younguns and watch this little movie about how you can keep every single one of your teeth, if you're a mind to.
And it's told by a tooth, so you know you're getting it straight from the horse's mouth:
18 comments:
Well Trix...something else we have in commom! Mine are in their plastic cup soaking in Efferdent cause I'm going to bed and I don't sleep in them! I know you holding back on that Pope tale! There's more than you a willing to tell, I kin tell!
MISS PORCH :)
I forgot to ask if you got Leon some kitty Prozac to calm him in case them wild critters come back nosing round?
Carol, THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND THE POPE! Now between me and evangelist Tony Alamo, there's something about to come out, so keep your teeth in your mouth! (Once you get 'em back in your mouth.) And Leon, like all the men, needs not a thing but the inspired strokin' of my finger to fall into a coma.
Trixie,
Come on, spill it, when you say you were washing his feet. . . then he put his hands on your head and wet your hair, were you on your knees in front, bent over, what?????? I mean to have him putting his hands on your head like that causes one to think a little "carnal' if you know what I mean. . . and being the good pastor that I am, I don't want to assume and allow my mind to wander to a BAD visual. . . especially if your dentures were in the cup with his! You know what I'm getting at, I'm sure. . .
Pastor Sharon, I used to subscribe to the Biblical command (well, maybe it's just a real strong suggestion) to "confess ourselves one to another that we would be healed," but then I worked for a while on the prayer chain at the church and in one week's time I got so many stories I was tempted to do a bunch of write-ups for "True Confessions" magazine, which was real popular at the time, and in fact I yielded to that temptation, though I sent in the stories under a different name, and made myself a few hundred dollars too, nearly ten of which dollars went straight into the offering plate, for which unselfish act I never once asked either God or man for credit.
Does that answer your question?
Dottie Mayeller had trouble putting a comment. Hope none of the rest of y'all did: Here's what she said, and Dottie I do thank you kindly for trying:
"By this time next year, Mizriz Trixie Madam Queen, I want to see your full accounts -- sin and sainthood alike -- between covers in the bookstore. If this is not forthcoming, then I vow -- I swear and declare -- that I will tell the whole truth about what happened to the Pope's Most Vital Part in that shower. It was no "fall" that done it, either -- except a fall from grace. And decency. And decorum. All that and more.
And truer words was never spoken through false teeth.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it, Mistress.
In closing I will thank you for a bodacious laugh. Which I needed.
Much love,
Mizriz Dottie Mayeller
Well Trixie-you've been gone a while-but you've come back with a bang! The Pope, teeth, foot washing and Lord knows what else. Have Mercy-Trixie is back!!
Tipper, yeah honey. Here we are in Paradise. Hope you're taking care of Granny and Pap and your own sweet self.
Ok, I guess that I have found my FIRST blogstop of the day, (After updating mine of course..lol)
You, Trixie, (don't mind first names do you?) have the most HONEST and forthright blog that I have encountered. I shall come often for a visit, if you leave the front door ajar, and read your latest rip! Come visit me, if you wish, and if you don't, I don't stay mad long...
Loved the expose of you and the Pope! I will tell you one about me and Joe Biden some day...if you wanna' listen.
Margaret, I thank you kindly for stopping by. I am often asked why it is I'm so bad to lie and yet say that no virtue do I hold higher than honesty, exceptin' maybe for Virgninity, and I generally don't answer but just look confused, which I get by with because I'm old. If this makes sense to you, feel free to explain it to anybody else who don't understand, and to me while you're at it.
What a delightful writer you are. I will be back often.
Why, Miss Dazey, I thank you kindly for stopping by and for acquainting yourself with how delightful I am. If you're on Facebook, be my friend! That gal who helps me out is writing another book about me so I don't do these write-ups here as much as I used to, but I cut up right much over on Facebook.
Hi, Trixie--I don't even like looking at my own dental x-rays, so I'm giving the video a pass. But I hope you get some replacement teeth soon.
Nancy, I thank you kindly for stopping by. I'm not much for TV my own self.
Missing your posting, Trixie~!!
Margaret, I'm sorry I'm not johnny-on-the-spot with my blog, honey, but here lately I've had to spend time writing a book about my wonderful self, plus I'm actin' up on Facebook and just can't do it all. Are you on Facebook? Would love to see you over there!
Oh my gracious, Miss Trixie! I'm ever so glad I stumbled into this blog of yours! I found my way here thanks to Carol at the Writer's Porch. Have a wonderful week and I look forward to my next visit (and your next adventure)!
Jen
Why, J. Stanton Chandler, you just make my face blush! I'm so glad you found me out--not a bit surprised it's on account of Carol that sugar plum, don't we just love her to death??? I'm real special. Ever body just loves me. You know all about me, I reckon, I mean the whole truth of the magic and mystery which is me. I don't do blog write-ups so much lately because I'm busy talkin' a blue streak while that gal who helps me out (by the name of Sherry Austin, which gal I hope you know about by now--me and her fuss all the time)tries to pen another tome about my wit, my wisdom, and my winnin' ways. If you're on Facebook, be my friend. That's where I cut up the most here lately. Good to hear from you, honey!
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