Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind

And next in our Parade of Pans (you might have to look down there at the last thing I wrote to get the full effect of what I'm saying here) is O'Clara's witchy-looking pot, which you can see up close in "O'Clara Goes Potty" which is now under 2008 in that thing the Google People call "Archives."

O'Clara sent in some good pictures and had some good things to tell us about how she used her special pot, (and also sent us the facts on the difference between the sweet potato and a yam, which we will discuss later on in "The Truth Revealed,") so why, you may wonder did I not proclaim O'Clara the winner?

Well, O'Clara came awful close, but she did what they call anthropomorphized her pot, which I found out means she thought it was a woman, and that raised up my hairs and gave me the feeling that someone had walked on my grave and my daughter Lou Ann said it did her, too, although Lou Ann's one to talk, seeing as she is somebody who says aliens have been scooping out samples of her kneecaps for their experiments. So, it causes me a pain right under my old heart to shoot down your hopes, O'Clara, but like I've always said, and as I have so often been quoted by the press: "The race is not to the swift nor to the smart, but it never hurts to throw your hat in the ring anyhow."

And there's Arlene's old iron skillet. You can see the top view and the upside down view, and you can see it looks plenty crusty. And I'll allow that pan is handy in the kitchen and would be a good thing for any woman to have hanging on a hook for whenever the man comes home a-drinkin' with lovin' on his mind, or is just late. So y'all keep that in mind. But, here is what Arlene said about the pan, which turned out to be the words of her undoing:

She said, "Here is the pan. Look at that black cement stuff all over the outside of it. Someone years ago had to have done the cooking over a fire as that is creasote buildup and will not come off. It cooks wonderful cornbread. It looks ugly and dirty but it isn't."

Now, I want to draw y'all's attention to that very last thing she said, because it is right there that Arlene threw a boomerrang into her chance of winning the prize. Arlene, honey, I'm sorry, but if the pan's not ugly and dirty, it's not eligible for the prize. And if you hadn't told me it wasn't dirty, I never would have guessed it. Why did you tell me that? I don’t have to ask because I know the answer: Pride over-rode your good sense, and like I’ve always said, though I have seldom been credited for saying: “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit goes before a fall.”

Arlene, you have messed up. Go ahead and just throw yourself off a cliff.

The rest of y'all just stay tuned.